Ep36: How to Stop Caring About What Other People Think of You

Sep 22, 2020

Do you care too much about what people think of you? Are you scared to death when someone feels hate all over you and your work as an intuitive coach?

The honest answer is probably yes… and that might just be a good thing! It is completely normal to care about what other people think of you. In fact, it’s important that you care what people think of you.  It creates social bonds and helps us grow collectively as a species. But when and how do you draw the line? When does caring about their opinion become toxic? How do you know when you are selling yourself out for the approval of others? That’s what today’s podcast is all about!

In the podcast, Heather goes over three rules that help you find the balance between you caring about what people think but not letting disapproval from others debilitate you. You’ll get to listen to Heather’s three rules and how to use each one when other people are giving their opinions or advice on what you do. Heather also shares a beautiful and inspiring quote from Theodore Roosevelt, her awesome analogies, and a mantra that can help you overcome what people are thinking about you.

If you are someone who wants to live your soul purpose without the fear of being judged or to finally not care about what other people think, then this podcast is perfect for you!

Soul Stirring Quotes

“There are only two people in the world who genuinely don’t think what other people think- children under the age of three and psychopaths.”

“It’s not actually bad to care, but where do we draw the line?”

“Listen to people who are in a better position and really out there moving the needle at the game they are playing.”

“A person who is sincerely committed to your growth and evolution as a human will be able to check their own uncomfortability when they see you shining.”

“Hang out with people in the arena who are slinging it out there, because those people are going to understand you in a very deep way.”

“If you are going to dare greatly, you have to develop a thick skin. No matter what you do, people are going to judge you.”

“To admit that we want to be liked is the most honest and vulnerable thing in the world. It is what makes us human.”

“Give yourself permission to care but not the permission to be concerned.”

Episode Timecodes:

  • 0:40 Heather shares her thoughts about how to stop caring about what other people think – lookout for Heather’s “itchy” analogy!

  • 3:53 Three important questions you need to be asking yourself.

  • 6:00 Where do we draw the line in caring about what other people say? Heather shares her rules in filtering feedback and advice from other people.

  • 7:50 First Rule – Do not take advice from people not doing better in life than you are.

  • 9:48 Second Rule – Do not take advice or feedback from people who don’t love you or genuinely want the best for you.

  • 13:11 Third Rule – Is that person in the arena and are they succeeding themselves in their own life?

  • 16:15 The armchair quarterback analogy.

  • 17:50 It is okay to make people care and not be concerned about it.

  • 19:50 Heather’s mantra about caring about what others think about yourself.

  • 21:00 Heather’s invitation to using the three rules when listening to others’ feedback.

Links Mentioned:

Connect with Heather

Email: hello@heatheraliceshea.com

Timezone: America/New_York

Website: heatheraliceshea.com


The Atmana Intuitive Coach Collective

Join The Atmana Intuitive Coach Collective Facebook Group here: 


Called to Coach

Our Free workshop will help you kickstart your practice and start earning instantly, instead of spending months and months spinning your wheels or going broke in the process!

Episode Transcript:

People say, treat yourself. I say, value yourself by the end of this podcast, you’re gonna care way more about your own opinion than you do everybody. Else’s welcome to the everyday intuitive podcast. I’m your host, Heather Alice Shay intuitive life coach trainer status quo, shaker and founder of op Monica coaching academy.

Listen in each week to break up with your comfort zone, claim yourself confidence and radically. Your role as an intuitive healer mentor and sought after coach let’s get within and get after it. Hello and welcome to the show. This is Heather Alice Shea. Thank you so much for joining me today. I wanna talk to you about how to stop caring so much about what other people think this is a modern disease.

I think it is a disease that has been absolutely exacerbated. By social media exacerbated. That’s an interesting word. It sounds like something that itches . And if caring about what other people think was, you know, some type of physical ailment, it would certainly be an inflamed flaky, red, just itchy, gross, rash, right.

That’s kind of how. Think about this plague that we have going on in our culture today, particularly among people who tend to be empathic and intuitive, like I’m sure you are because you’re listening to a podcast entitled the everyday intuitive, but I really do see this as a major impediment and problem for anyone who is trying to live a soul guided life.

And the reason why we’ve got to address. How we go about thinking about this balance between listening to feedback from others, you know, allowing your social world to inform your process in terms of how you learn and grow, you know, no man, as an island, you know, we don’t exist in a vacuum. We certainly wanna be listening to feedback from others.

So how do we tell when this becomes something that’s good? Turning into something that’s really, really bad for. and so above all things, you know, there’s a lot of things that I think that stop intuitives from really stepping up and owning what it is they wanna do with their life. Whether that’s start a nonprofit, you know, become an intuitive professional.

You know, quit one job, go to another, whatever it is that’s coming up in your life. I think that caring about what other people think is one of the biggest impediments that we have. And I actually don’t think we really understand just how much we actually are self censoring because of this issue. So that is why I’m super excited to be talking about really developing a strategy around.

Starting to address this. And by the end of the podcast, I’m gonna give you three rules that I created for myself many, many years ago when I was trying to muster up the courage and claim my confidence, not only as a budding helping professional, when I first started my practice, I actually, wasn’t doing intuitive coaching.

I was just doing, you know, kind of the regular, you know, the, more of the traditional style of coaching. But even then it was. To step up and really claim that, right? Like I didn’t wanna go to dinner parties telling people I was a life coach. I felt sheepish. I felt stupid. I just didn’t really know how to own it.

And then when you throw that extra layer of being an empath or an intuitive, or however you identify, when you put that extra layer on, it’s like, oh God, you know, it’s just so, so, so, so hard. So, you know, I think the first thing I wanna ask you as you’re listening is, do you think you care, what other people think of you.

and answer, honestly, do you care what other people think? And here’s another question. Are you scared or does it occur to you when you are about to make a post or throw something up on your IG story? Does it occur to you, you know, to maybe tweak the sentence you’re using or, you know, extra double. Face tune that picture.

You’re throwing up whatever that is. Does that occur to you? And I think if we’re being honest with ourselves, the answer is yes. And I’m gonna say something here. That’s pretty counterintuitive to some extent. I actually do think that is a good thing. Nothing in the world makes me roll my eyes faster than a person who declares with the passionate forever of a self-centered 15 year old.

I don’t care what anybody thinks. I think if we’re being honest with ourselves, we deeply deeply care what other people think. And to some extent that’s great because the truth is there’s only two people in the world who actually genuinely deep, deep, deep down just really don’t care. What other people.

And those people are children under the age of three and psychopathic assholes, right? if you have a conscience, you’re probably considering how your behavior, how your thoughts, how your actions, how the way you’re moving through the world impacts how other people are living their life and moving through the world.

And so that is actually really good. It’s what allows us to create culture. it’s what allows us to have social bonds, social cohesion, you know, relationships, if you don’t care about what a person thinks, you’re probably not gonna have a very close relationship with them. Right? So on the one hand, I wanna invite you to open up to the idea that it’s actually not all bad to care, right?

As a matter of fact, I think it’s important to care, but where do we draw the. when does caring about someone else’s opinion become toxic for you? When does prioritizing another person’s perception of you damage your own self-confidence and your own self-concept okay, so that’s what we’re going for right now.

We’re going for that sweet spot. So I want to talk to you right now about the three rules that I. whenever I get feedback, whenever I receive advice, whether it’s advice I’ve asked for or not really, I run it through these three filters. And after I give you these three filters, you’re, it’s gonna really help you see and really find that sweet spot and also help you see, I think really kind of the meta narrative that we need to be saying and telling ourselves as we try to.

The advice and the feedback that other people give us, because it oftentimes other people really do see us more clearly than we see ourselves. Right. But other people also, aren’t always genuinely giving you feedback either that’s for your benefit or even if they are well intentioned, they might, they might just not have the know how to know how to give you feedback that actually moves and guides your life.

in a way that’s an alignment with where you are trying to go as a person, not only what you’re trying to accomplish with your life, but also who you are trying to become. Okay. So the first rule is this. I do not take advice from people who are not doing better than I am in. Now, I know that sounds a little harsh.

So let me explain. I think that if a person isn’t out there in the world accomplishing, you know, really out there in their own life, getting it done, right. Climbing their own mountain, then they’re really not going to be able to relate to my lived experience and what I’m trying to do. In other words, they’re just coming at life.

From a different direction or they’re sort of living according to a different value set than I am. So this is kind of a lot like taking advice from a person who’s filing for bankruptcy and, you know, letting them advise you on how to invest your 401k. It just doesn’t make any sense. Right. You want to be.

Listening to people who are in a better PO like really out there doing the thing. And they’re at least if they’re not directly doing the one thing they’re advising you on, if they’re not an expert at that, or in some way, endeavoring to, you know, as it were play that same game that you’re playing, then they at least need to be, you know, Moving the needle in the game that they are playing.

Right? So for instance, one of my business mentors, a really amazing business mentor of mine, he’s a restaurant tour, right? It has nothing, man has nothing to do with restaurants, but he’s completely proficient. And running that business and he knows a thing or two about doing that, right. So of course, I’m gonna listen to him because he’s killing it in his own lane.

So that’s the first one. Don’t listen to people who aren’t better off in life than you are, or who are endeavoring, you know, in the same way. And at the same level that you are to better their life. The second is I don’t ever take advice or feedback from people who don’t love. and from people who don’t want what’s best for me.

So when somebody steps up and says, oh, Heather, you know, Hey, no, I don’t really like what you’re doing here. I don’t really like what you’re saying. I have to ask myself, does this person genuinely care about me? Do they want to see me? Are they on my side? Are they rooting for me? Are they giving me this?

From a place of true concern, because if they aren’t, why would I listen to them? Why, you know, a lot of people will smile to your face and tell you that they’re here to help you while secretly wishing that you would fail. It’s the German, you know, the German word, Chardon, Freud, right? Taking delight, and watching other people.

And I know that this is not a pleasant thing for me to be saying, but we all know that it’s true, especially the bigger you play. A lot of people give advice, not from their perspective of wanting to help you, but from the perspective of wanting to tear you down in the form of, Hey, I’m gonna be nice and try to quote unquote, help you.

And that the higher you go, the more you will encounter. You know, I’ve had people say, oh, Heather, you know, you’re just, this is, you know, it’s really risky what you’re doing with , you know, that’s crazy. You’re gonna do this intuitive coaching thing. Have you, you know, maybe, maybe you don’t wanna, oh, you know, just be careful.

Oh, you know, I’m just looking out for you girl, and it’s always this. Oh, well maybe, oh, just maybe don’t play too big. Maybe just think about that. That’s what it sounds. and I’m like, no, you don’t have my vision. and I actually don’t think you’re saying that to me because you think I might fail or you think I might incur a risk.

That would be truly damaging to myself. It sounds to me like it bothers you that you’re not out there dreaming as big. Right. It took me a long time to understand and really accept. That’s how some people are, you know, and I also realized with that one too, that it’s not that people are necessarily doing it because they, they dislike you.

It’s just very uncomfortable to watch other people climb mountains that you, yourself, aren’t willing to climb in your own life. It’s actually very, very painful. And so. As a way of coping with their own uncomfortability of watching a person constantly push outside of their own comfort zone. They ask you to stop maybe doing that so much, right?

So it really takes a person who’s sincerely committed to your growth and evolution as a human. They have to love you and they have to be on your side. They have to want what’s best for. to really be in a position to check their own baggage, their own, you know, cognitive dissonance or, you know, psychological, whatever uncomfortability that pops up when they see you shining.

Okay. So number one, if they’re not doing better than you, and then number two, ask yourself, do they love me and do they want what’s best for me? And then the last one is. is that person in the arena themselves and their own life. Now, this one sounds a lot like the first one, but it’s got a different twist.

And the first one we talk about is the person doing better. I’m talking about their performance level, their performance level. Are they in the arena? And are they succeeding? So the first one was, are they succeeding? But this one is also just, are they in the arena? Of life giving it everything they’ve got and are they in integrity with their own mission?

You know, cuz there’s a lot of people that are successful, but who are accomplishing success in maybe a way that I, you know, just don’t resonate with. And so asking yourself this question, are they in the arena? Are they out there playing big themselves? Are they challenging themselves? Are they a person who says yes to getting outside of their own comfort zone.

And I don’t know if you’ve ever heard this quote from Theodore Roosevelt, it’s called the man in the arena, but I absolutely love this quote. And I’m gonna read it to you now because I think it really sums up what I’m getting at here with this one. The arrow Roosevelt says it is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumble.

Or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood whose strives valiantly, who errors, who comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming. , but who does actually strive to do the deeds?

Who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions who spends himself in a worthy cause who at best knows in the end, the triumph of high achievement and who at worst, if he fails at least fails while daring greatly so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid soul. Who know neither victory nor defeat.

And so while you’re out there getting after it, brothers and sisters, hang out with people in the arena, hang out with people that have got their sword and their shield, and they are out there slinging it with you, sister because those people are going to understand. You in a very deep way, they’re gonna understand what you’re up to.

Right? They’re gonna have your back. They’re gonna be rooting for you because they’re gonna have respect for what it takes to not be in the stands. Armchair, quarterbacking you. Right. So a good example of this one is just that right? The armchair quarter. you wanna listen? Why would an NFL quarterback listen to the guy up in the stands, who, you know, played football in high school and isn’t in the arena?

No, he’s gonna listen to other NFL quarterbacks, right? He’s gonna listen to other people that are on that field. He’s gonna listen to his coach. He’s gonna listen to people on that ground, in the arena. People who are succeeding at their own game and people who love them and want to see them win. Okay. So have fun.

I want you to spend some time thinking about these three rules. What are your thoughts on ’em? Because after all I’m just a person giving you advice. No, aren’t I, so you should run everything you’re even hearing on this podcast, through that filter. And I want you to get in the habit of doing that because my darling, if you are going to dare greatly, you gotta develop a thick skin.

You gotta develop a thick skin, no matter what you do, people are going to judge you. The soup is too hot. The soup is too cold. There’s too much salt in it. There’s not enough garlic. Ugh. You put basil in it. I don’t like basil. There’s always going to be somebody who doesn’t like what you’re cooking and you deserve a life in alignment with what you wanna do.

So now I wanna talk really quick about it’s okay. To care what they think. So after I started implementing these, I. Came up with this idea of it’s okay to care. I do care what people think, but I’m no longer concerned about what they think. I deeply care. I want people to like me. I want people to think I’m interested and funny and nice.

And you know, all those things. Of course, I want people to think that, and I don’t think there’s any shame in admitting that that’s what makes me human. That’s what makes you. I think it’s the most honest and vulnerable thing in the world to admit that we want to be liked. You know, it reminds me of kind of being a kid in, in middle school when you go to lunch and you’re in the lunch room and you know, the worst thing in that moment is to not have a group of friends to sit with.

Right. and even though we’re big kids now, we’re all adults. The truth is we’re all just little kids and we want friends and we wanna have a home and we wanna feel liked and loved. And we want to, to like others and love others too. So it’s okay that you care what people think, but what you can’t do is be concerned about it, you know, because if you’re living your life in alignment with what you believe.

Then it’s just not something that should concern you if you’re living a conscious life, right. If you’re spending time living a conscious life, thinking about the things you’re doing, right. You’re endeavoring to live life in accordance with your own value sets. So if you’re doing that and a person disapproves of you, you can care, you can say, oh, well, you know, I’m that stinks.

I’d really like it. If you. , you know, resonate with this. That would be fun, cuz we could jam together on this. Right. But I’m not concerned if you don’t and here is why. And this is really the linchpin that I think these three rules take you down to. I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever care or be concerned about what someone thinks of me more than what I think of myself.

I am more concerned and I care. About what I think of me than what others think of me. That’s the mantra that you can put into your mind. It’s okay to care, but you need to care more about what you think. Okay. So when you get that feedback, run it through these three rules, and here’s what you’re gonna find really quick.

You’re gonna find that there’s very few people in your life that you actually should be listening to. Very few people are gonna fit all three of. but when they do boy, man, I got a couple of people in my life. I listen to every word that comes out of their mouth. Now I don’t do everything they tell me to do.

Right. I don’t take it as gospel because I still have to run it through my own internal truth mechanism. I still have to live my own life according to dictates of my own conscience. Right. Nothing ever will cause me to abdicate my own a. . But when these three people, you know, I got about three or four of them when they talk, I listen, who do I listen?

And rare. Is it rare? Is it that they steer me wrong? They really are kind of the Gemini cricket in my life, you know? And I’m so fortunate. I’m so fortunate to have, you know, these people in my life. So take stock. Okay. Take stock. Start paying attention to these three rules. You’re gonna discover the people you can really count on and that you really should be listening to.

And then after you identify those people still with everything, they. Run it through your own truth filter. Okay. Check it with the alignment of your own soul, with the goals of your own soul. Give yourself permission to care, but not permission to be concerned. That’s that balance between how do I listen to the feedback?

While still honoring my own truth. So if you enjoyed that, I would love to invite you to meet us over in our Facebook group. The Atmana Intuitive Coach collective, because I am in this Facebook group all the time. Doing. Fun, you know, little mini trainings and really on the podcast. When I’m talking about these types of topics, the Facebook group is where I do more in depth training on these concepts, because I can have video.

I can share slides with you. You can see my smiling face. So if you join the Facebook group, you will have, I think, more in depth access to the teachings that I am brewing and forward. On this beautiful podcast. So as always, thank you for listening. I would love to know your thoughts on this. So check, show notes for the Facebook group link and give a shout out over there.

Together we rise. Okay. Let’s wrap up with three quick things. So my intention for this podcast is to be of impactful service to you. And one of the ways that I can tell how well I’m doing that is by reading honest reviews of the pod. So the reviews really allow me to see the topics and the ideas that are resonating with you.

The most. So I would be forever honored and grateful if you would leave a review on iTunes for the show. And I get super excited every time a review comes in, because it helps me stay in my purpose. And in my intention of supporting the coaches and entrepreneurs out there doing the heavy lifting of helping other people heal and expand and grow.

So if it feels aligned, go to Heather ahe.com/podcast, and show me some love by leaving me. Built review and to express my gratitude each week, I read the names of everyone who leaves a review as a thank you to you for helping this podcast thrive. And speaking of showing love, did you know that I make 100% free tip sheets for almost every episode on this podcast?

Why? Yes I do. So you can go to Heather aha.com/podcast, tip sheets, and enter in your name and best email address. And I will send you over a page link where you can download them all into your little heart is content. And the third and final thing is that I get. Emails each week asking how to begin the process of becoming an intuitive coach or from existing coaches and therapists who would like to begin applying intuition in their sessions.

So if you are interested or you feel called and would just like to explore, uh, the services that we offer over at Monica coaching academy, then just head over to my website@heatheraliceshea.com and check out our different offerings for coaches and creatives, who would like to explore intuitive development, business development.

Or both. So that is it for this episode. My lovely, remember, you are more powerful than you can possibly imagine. So step into your greatness and stay after it.