Ep67: How To Handle Being Judged

Jul 5, 2021

We always hear judgement, even from ourselves. So how do you, as an intuitive and a healer, handle judgement from others when all you do is just be yourself?

In this hot topic, Heather shares the reason why feeling judged and being hurt is not your fault and how you can handle the haters and the frenemies around you. She will share the distinction between straight judgement and criticism from helpful feedback. You will also get to hear the five main reasons why people judge others, and the tips you can use to help yourself overcome the judgment. Heather will also share some great examples and personal experiences on former friends who were actually limiting her and themselves and passing judgement.

If you are ready to hear some truth bombs about judgement, feedback, the beauty of community and being supported, then this episode is perfect for you.

Soul Stirring Quotes


“Judgement from others can range from very subtle to really extreme.”

“Feedback is done with love, with your best intentions at heart, and with concern for your feelings.”

“If you feel like you care too much from other people’s criticism, it is not your fault. We are social creatures and we are hardwired to care deeply.”

“Right here, right now, drop the judgement that you keep upon yourself when your feelings are hurt.”

“We are so quick to respond to the criticism that we never really take a moment of pause and ask yourself why that person is judging us.”

“You don’t need to be listening to people you don’t respect and the people who do not have the education, authority or expertise.”

“Prioritize your self-respect above other people’s shallow approval.”

“Care more about your purpose, than you do about being liked.”

“The judgement is about them, not about you.”

“My wish for you is that you internalize what is offered to you in the spirit of love, community, and the international to see you thrive.”

“You have everything inside you that you need to not internalize judgement, keep on moving, and be an example of what greatness looks like in the world.”


Episode Timecodes:

  • 0:27 What this episode is all about and how it shows in today’s society.

  • 2:22 Why is judgement hard to understand for most people?

  • 3:18 The difference between feedback and judgement.

  • 5:48 How do you know what you need to be listening to and what you absolutely never allow.

  • 6:16 Why it’s not your fault when you get hurt with what others think of you.

  • 10:00 Why do you need to listen to what other people think?

  • 12:27 5 reasons why people judge other people?

  • 13:28 Reason #1: Competition.

  • 13:52 Reason #2: Some people thrive in conflict.

  • 14:25 Reason #3: Sense of insecurity.

  • 14:45 Reason #4: Scarcity mindset.

  • 15:27 Reason #5: Sense of inferiority.

  • 16:36 Heather shares her personal experience on getting judged and being limited.

  • 20:50 Five tips you can ask and do for yourself to help you deal with judgement.

  • 22:52 #1: Where is the evidence?

  • 23:43 #2: Do I respect this person’s opinion on this particular subject?

  • 24:57 #3: Prioritize your self-respect above other people’s shallow approval.

  • 26:01 #4: Care more about your purpose than you do about being liked.

  • 29:11 #5 Realize that it’s about them, not about you.

Links Mentioned:

Join The Atmana Intuitive Coach Collective Facebook Group HERE

Join the next Live Your Purpose, Launch Your Practice Workshop here

Connect with Heather

Email: hello@heatheraliceshea.com

Timezone: America/New_York

Website: heatheraliceshea.com


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Episode Transcript:

Welcome to the everyday intuitive podcast. I’m your host, Heather Alice Shea intuitive life coach trainer status quo, shaker and founder of Atmana Coaching Academy. Listen in each week to break up with your comfort zone claim your self confidence and radically embrace your role as an intuitive healer mentor and sought after coach let’s get within and get after it.

Hello? Hello? Hello. Today on the show, we are going to talk about a pretty touchy, feely subject. I wanted to come in and start a conversation around how to handle being judged. Ooh, doesn’t that feel spicy? Doesn’t that feel spicy? You guys, how to handle being judged? Okay. Let’s dive into it. This is a pretty heavy topic.

It’s kind of like a low grade fever. I really feel like in our culture today. I’m sure that you have felt this too. Everybody is at their wits end. Everybody just has a very, very short fuse. And when we are in that place, It is very, very easy for us to, you know, engage in kind of the mental shortcut. I think that’s maybe a good way to talk about judgment is it’s a mental shortcut kind of a lazy way of addressing or approaching the people in our lives.

The people that we have an opportunity to interact. And so judgment really ranges. And I’d love to hear from you what judgment means to you. Take a moment to stop and think about that. When you hear the word judgment, how to handle being judged, how does that land for you? For me? When I think about being judged, I get, it’s a very harsh energy.

It’s very like I wanna hit back. Right? Like I get very defensive when I feel like I’m being judge. So take a moment right now to just witness yourself in that energy. When you feel like you’re being judged, what is that like for you? And judgment is really hard to wrap our hands around for several reasons.

The first is judgment from others can range everything from very subtle to really extreme judgment can look like. You know, backhand compliment that’s ever. So occasionally peppered into a relationship, right? To just straight up like this, person’s just throwing shade and Hayden, like, you know, like they don’t even care.

They are just over here to throw shade and hay. it really can look. Like anything. So I think it’s important to stop and think about what does judgment mean to you? How do you experience it? How do you feel it? Cuz I do think it’s different for everyone. Everyone has a different personality. Everybody has a different way of receiving feedback and that’s something I wanna draw a distinction to right now, there is a difference between feedback and judgment.

On the one hand feedback is done with love, with an intention and a spirit of helping you. It is done with your best intentions at heart. It is done with, uh, concern for your feelings judgment. On the other hand is not judgment is not offered in a spirit of, Hey, I am intending what I am saying to help. As a matter of fact, judgment when you’re being judged, that is usually all about the person doing the judging and almost nothing to do about you.

Now, at the end of this, I’m gonna give you five strategies that you can use to help you overcome, you know, that trigger that you feel that response that you feel when you are being judged by someone. So, this is a kind of a slippery slope. When you really wrap your hands around this concept, it’s actually quite challenging to really get to the bottom of this one.

And I think it’s why it’s this persistent low grade fever in our culture. Right. So I wanted to shine a light on this today. So it’s a hard one because it can range from like, oh, I see. You finally made it here on time today. Heather, that’s kind of judge. Right. You know, like, yeah, I might be late often, but you saying that like you a shady bitch, not being too nice to me about it.

Right. Stop being judgey. Like, why don’t you just say it in a nice tone, right? So it’s hard because it can be subtle to just straight up shade. And then how do we know that it’s not feedback? How do we know that it’s judgment and not feedback? Because I really am a huge believer in feedback. Obviously I am, I am a life coach and a classically trained, you know, mental health counselor.

That’s basically what I do is sit in old space for people. And of course now, you know, I train coaches to do the same thing, right? That’s what we do here in Mount Monte. So I’m a huge believer in feedback. I think as a matter of fact, one of the greatest things, a person who is endeavoring to live a high vibrational life filled with success, fulfillment and greatness is to listen to the feedback of other people.

So how do we tease that? How do we really get to the bottom of what we should be listening to so that we can receive help from other people and what we should absolutely never allow to rent space in our head ever, because all that is going to do is to contribute to, you know, the lessening of our light and the lessening of who we are.

So how do we get to the bottom of that? That’s what we’re gonna do here. The first thing I wanna say about judgment is this. If you find yourself caring too much, if you feel like you care too much about what other people think, or you often feel, um, maybe hindered or sidelined by other people’s criticism of you, if you take it to heart, I want to say this, first of all, it’s not your fault.

We all come by that honestly, we are hard wired as creatures to care deeply about what other people think of us. It doesn’t make you weak. It doesn’t make you codependent. It doesn’t mean that you don’t have your own mind or your own thoughts or. You know that you’re too scared to, to listen to your own opinion.

It doesn’t mean any of that. It just means you’re a social creature, which that’s what human beings are. We are social creatures, we’re mammals, right. We live in packs, right? Like we’re not like solo little animals out there running around. We need each other. And so it hurts when we’re judged. It hurts when we’re criticized.

It hurts when we’re ostracized, because. We want to be loved and we want to be liked. So first off, just know it’s not your fault. And oftentimes we’re raised in environments where we are taught that social shame. Is one of the biggest no-nos right. The biggest tribal laws that we can break, you know, be a people pleaser don’t make other people unhappy.

Don’t be the cause of other people’s, you know, misery or upset, right. It’s up to you to make everybody happy. And if other people around you weren’t happy and pleased, then it’s your fault, except for, it’s not your. And so that’s what we’re getting down to the bottom to the bottom of today. Okay. So contrary to what we’ve been taught about our nature, you know, I was remember being very shocked when I did some digging into Charles Darwin’s origin of species.

I’m sure you have heard the quote, the survival of the fittest, right? It’s competition, survival of the fittest. Nothing could be more true when you really drill down into that work that Darwin did. The book is the origin of species. He actually talked about nature working in a cooperative harmonious manner, far more than competition and conflict.

And I also think that that speaks to the biology, right? The hard wired of needing a community. Of needing other to help us navigate this thing called life. So let’s just right here right now, drop the judgment that we heap upon ourselves when we are feelings are hurt when other people disapprove of us.

And that could be a family member. It could be friends of yours. It could be a coworker. It doesn’t matter who it is. It doesn’t matter. I often notice that we get into these, like, you know, we try to discount our feelings well that, you know, it’s just a coworker. I shouldn’t care. No, it hurts. It’s all right.

It’s never fun to feel like we’re being criticized or judged and in a mean spirited manner with the intention to just tear us. right. There’s another aspect of this. That’s really interesting. I would also say that it’s really important that you do learn to listen to what other people think, because we do not exist in silos.

And often we are so close to ourselves, our own behavior, our own thoughts, wishes our own desires, that we can’t see ourselves clearly that we are totally blind to our blind spots. and so we do need to learn how to tease out this difference between feedback and judgment, because we do need to be coachable, teachable, humble, you know, willing to be like, ah, dang it.

You’re right. I was being a jerk about that or, ah, you’re right. I do need to learn how to be patient or ah, you’re right. I am late a lot and I’m sorry. and I need to work on that. Thank you for offering me that feedback. Right? So that’s another layer of this is we actually do need to learn to listen to it so that we can continue to grow.

But at what point are you allowing that to hinder your growth instead of help it? At what point are you allowing the judgment of other people or the center they’re giving you? To really sidestep or curtail or silence, even maybe in some cases, your own truth, your own opinion about who you are, what your purpose in life is and how you’re going about living that every single day in all areas of your life.

It doesn’t matter what type of parent you are, what type of friend you are. Right. All of that in general, how you’re showing. So I wanna look at right now, not feedback, but we’re gonna just focus solely on the judgment that harms that doesn’t help you. This is information coming into your mind that sir, our sister, you just do not need to be listening to.

Okay. You just don’t, it’s not helping you. It’s not meant to help you. It’s just meant because people are throw and shade and unfortunately, Sometimes that’s where we’re at, right. Especially with the internet, how easy has it become to just criticize people? Right. So let’s drill down into why is it that we think people judge other people to begin with?

That’s a really important question. Like, why are people doing this? Why do we do it? And more specifically, if you can maybe take a moment right now and think of somebody in your life that you feel has been overly critical or judgey of you. Stop and ask yourself, what is going on? Why is this person motivated to do this?

What is actually happening here? You see, we’re so quick to respond to the criticism that we never really take a moment of pause and go, wait a minute, let me be a detective. Let me get curious about this and ask myself, why is this person riding my ass about this stuff? What is it they’re getting out of?

From what I have found people, judge others in this mean spirited way for five main reasons. The first is just good old fashioned competition. Some people like the feeling of being better than other people and for whatever reason, they wanna feel better than. And so they’re going to criticize and judge or otherwise harsh who you are so they can feel that way.

It’s sad, but it’s true. Another is some people thrive in conflict. I know it’s hard to believe because if you’re listening to this, you are probably not like that. But some people are very addicted to drama. And if there isn’t some drama going on, they are going to make some drama going on they are going to create it because it feels natural to them.

That’s what they know. And for whatever reason, they’re trying to do it with you, whether or not you take the Beit is up to you, but conflict it’s the second reason. The third is just out of a good old fashioned sense of insecurity. Nothing motivates a person to become critical of another, then just they’re just insecure.

Right. And so if I can make other people feel insecure too, through judgment and throw in shade, well then misery loves company. Doesn’t it? The fourth is some people have like scarcity mindset. So sometimes like, It’s just because they don’t understand that there can be a win-win like I can win and you can win and we can all win.

And there’s no reason to tear other people down. So they’ll do it. It’s not necessarily that they wanna see you lose per se. It’s more like they just hold this worldview that somebody has to be on the bottom and they don’t want it to be them. So it’s more like they wanna win. And unfortunately that means you have to.

So it’s this win, lose kind of scarcity, right? The pie is only so big. And I want the biggest piece because I’m afraid I’m gonna starve to death kind of thing. And then the last one is a sense of inferiority and this is different than insecurity. Insecurity is more like I’m worried about external resources or external opinion or external opportunity.

Insecurity is kind of out here in my external world. I have worry. So I wanna reduce the amount of competition there might be. Whereas inferiority is I’m fundamentally flawed. I feel on it from an interior perspective, I feel fundamentally flawed. And so the presence of others who trigger me makes me wanna pull them down with me again.

So I don’t have to feel so inferior on the inside. So we become critical of other people. So they’re to pull them down to our level. Right. I’m shitty. I want you to think you’re shitty too or I perceive myself to be shitty, right. Or I perceive myself to be lacking in some way. The truth is all, that’s just narrative in their head too.

That’s probably not true at all. They’re probably, probably a really nice person. If they could just get through, you know, the issues that they’ve got. So I have a person who is a former friend, thank goodness, former friend, who was like a great example of this is she was really, really, really good at reminding me of how much of a, you know, how overwhelmed I would get during launch time during Opana and how.

You know, well, you just, you don’t wanna overwork yourself, you know, how you get and well, you know, Heather, you know, you’re ambitious, but I mean, there are more things to life than, you know, succeeding in business, like constantly saying like constantly like doing it from this lens of like, I’m your friend and I care about you.

And it took me a long time to see. That what this person was doing was tearing me down. She was tearing me down because she fundamentally, you know, wasn’t willing or couldn’t do perform at the level I was, and she didn’t want me to be doing the same thing. So it was this constant feedback, right? With the intention of really lessening, who I was lowering, trying to convince me that my potential was actually limited.

Because she perceived hers to be. And the moment that that hit me, I was like, wow, this person is not my friend. This person, every time I turn around this person has got some type of friendly reminder about how hard that’s gonna be. You know, I’m just looking out for you, right. Again, it can be very subtle.

So if you notice any of that coming up. With the people in your life, which by the way, might be people you’re very close to that little voice in your head. Pay attention to that. Trust that trust yourself, and know that when you are dealing with a person who does these things, who acts this way toward you, and again, sometimes it’s people you care about very much and that you think care about you very much.

Understand this, that they are in that place because they are stuck. And one of those five things, I just mentioned, competition drama and conflict insecurity, win, lose scarcity mentality, or just a straight up old fashioned inferior complex. And here’s the kicker know this there’s very little you can do about it.

And that is typically how people handle being judge. Oh, wait a minute. I’ll work to change myself, to become a version of me that you can approve of. Oh, isn’t that lovely. Now you’re acting and operating out of a false self to make some person who doesn’t even care about you really care about you happy because if they really cared about you, they would be giving you feedback, not judgment, not criticism.

Right? So that is how we typically handle it, particularly as intuitive. As people who are very sensitive to the feelings of others and that’s, we can’t do that anymore. We need to make a pinky promise to ourselves to never, ever, ever resolve judgment in that way. So we have to develop another way of reacting to this.

Another way of receiving that. And then take pausing and taking a moment and asking ourselves the big questions. Why would this person who was otherwise in my life and is a friend or someone who cares about me, persistently act like this and know this again. It’s got nothing to do with you. It has to do with them.

People who judge are fundamentally and a very low place, a low vibrational place in their own life. Whether because they’re going through something challenging or that’s just the vibe they roll with every day, who knows. Either way, it’s not your problem, but know this. You can’t change it without betraying yourself.

You can’t change it without betraying yourself. You can’t change them. That’s their job. It’s their job to look in the mirror and go, why am I being so critical of other people? Why do I feel the need to whatever it’s to tear other people down to make Cady remarks or just to straight up throw. So I wanna give you now five things that you can ask yourself to help you deal with this.

When you do notice it’s happening, kind of the meta skill we need to develop here is to just not react. We actually just need to pause and go deep breath. Okay. I am feeling attacked and criticized and judged. Let me be very present with myself right now. Let me go within. Yes. Yes, yes. This is happening out here, but this actually isn’t the problem they can say whatever they want.

My problem is the fact that I’m triggered by it. My problem is the fact that I’m letting this person rent space in my head, in my heart. My work is why am I letting this person prevent me from being who I know I am prevent me from doing what I know I want to do with my. that’s the work. It’s not resolving the interpersonal issue with you and the other person it’s to do the intra developmental work, the intrapsychic work, right?

Psychic, meaning mind and emotion, right? Your mind, your thoughts and your emotions, the intrapsychic work, the intrapersonal work. That’s what, where we need to make the major. whatever you wanna think, dude, fine. Whatever. I don’t care. it’s all projection. Anyway, for the most part, what I wanna focus on is why am I triggered?

I have a button. The button is being pushed. Yes, but why do I have the button? What’s this button about why is it bothering me? So here are five things that you can do first, take that pause. And instead of trying to come back out here, stop and say, huh, I’m gonna do my work. And here are five ways you can do that.

The first is I want you to, we’re gonna do some practical tips and then, you know, some sort of more philosophical approaches to this. The first is ask yourself, where’s the evidence? Where is the evidence? And what this is going to help you understand is that what this person more often than not is judging you about, like what they’re saying, the content of their remarks is that it’s just simply their opinion.

Not a fact. You would be shocked when you actually stop and analyze what they’re saying. You will realize it’s just their opinion. And you know what they say about opinions. They’re just like asshole. Everybody has one. And so why do you care what this one person thinks? There are 7.6 billion people on this planet and they would all have something different to say about the thing in question.

So why do you care? Right. Right. Okay. The second is ask yourself, do I respect. This person’s opinion on this particular subject. This is a really powerful question to ask. Here’s why one, you don’t need to be listening to people you don’t respect. And two, you don’t need to be listening to people, even if you do respect them on matters in which they have no education experience authority or E.

So I love my mother and I respect the shit out of her, but I’m not gonna listen to a damn where she has to tell me about growing an online life coach training academy. Right. Doesn’t know anything about it. I love her, but she has no idea what she’s doing. Right. So why would I listen to her? So ask yourself, do I respect this person?

Cuz you do not need to be listening to people that you don’t respect and two. Even if you do respect them, are they a person who has like a voice of authority on this thing? The answer is probably no like 95% of the time. The answer is no. These two questions are going to liberate. You, ate you. The third is I want you to prioritize your self respect.

Above their shallow approval. Even if you could get these people to like, quote unquote, like you quote unquote, stop judging you. It’s still shallow because they’re approving of a fault self and you’re betraying yourself to do it. You’re disrespecting yourself so that a person I would be willing to put money that you don’t even like, says nice things about you.

Oh, They didn’t say mean things like, come on, let’s grow up. I don’t, whatever you wanna say, girl, I don’t do you, but we’ll never be able to have that. If we don’t have that pause, let me have that pause. Let me be deeply with myself. Let me check in with me and ask myself how I feel about this. What I think about this before I let it hit my heart before I let it alter my who I am fundamentally.

The fourth is care more about your purpose than you do about being liked. If you are a person who is dreaming big, if you are a person who is making waves and doing things in the world, you are living your purpose. You are trying to live a purpose filled life that is going to trigger people. Period. Do you know how triggering that is?

Even if a person thinks what you’re doing is cool, they might be judging you and criticizing you simply because they don’t have the nerve to go put their butt on the line and do the same thing. It is so triggering for most people to watch others live the life they’re too scared to live. And if you are walking in your purpose, brothers and sisters, I am here to tell you.

That you are going to rock the boat. You are going to trigger people. You are going to have haters. Yes. People are not going to like you. Oh my God. Ooh. Is that so awful that people don’t like you? Is it really? Because if you will stop and check in with yourself, you will realize that you probably don’t like them either.

And that’s okay. That’s okay. You’re not here for everybody. I’m not here for every. I don’t need to be approved of by everybody. Neither do you. What we need to do is find our tribe. Find our community, find our people of like heart of like mind who are up to good things in the world who wanna stand hand in hand and encourage you on and tell you, hell yes, you can do this.

Yeah, man. I’ve got your back. I might not understand what the hell you doing, but I got you. I love you. Keep shin. Right. Y’all should have seen the look on people’s faces. When I told ’em I wanted to be an intuitive life coach that was back in 2014 when nobody even knew what it was. And they were like, okay, I mean, whatever, I don’t know what that is, but I’m sure it’s gonna be great.

Love ya. You know, they had no clue, but they were supportive of me as a person. That’s what we’re after you’re here to find that C. I was taking a phone call from a lady that when this was years ago. Oh my goodness. Probably four years ago, when I used to do personal coaching, she called me to tell me that she’s two months away from graduating college.

I met her when her entire life was falling apart. She started coaching. She’s here, local, where I live and we coached for several, several months around one of the darkest situations, a human being can go through her whole life imploded. And she just did incredible work. And, you know, I said, you know, let’s explore you going back to school to get some skills that you need to support yourself and your kids.

And she just called me and said, she said, Heather, I wanna come and see you after I graduate. I’m two months out and I’m here because you believed in me, I’m gonna get emotional. She’s like, I’m here because you believed in me and I wouldn’t have made it. If it wasn’t for you telling me I could do it. And I’m so proud of myself and I know you’re proud of me too.

And I wanna celebrate this moment with you. I haven’t heard from her in like four years. It’s just so beautiful. Right. That’s what we’re after people that got your back. Okay. And then the fifth is to realize that this really is about them. It’s not about you. It really isn’t about you. Everyone’s, uh, offering you whether even if it’s feedback or judgment, they really are just offering it from the lens through which they see the world.

It’s up to you to decide if you’re gonna internalize it or not. And what my wish for you is that you internalize what is offered to you in the spirit of love and community and with the intention to see you thrive with the intention, to see you grow, that’s who we need to be allowing into our life.

That’s what you deserve. You deserve to be surrounded by people who want to support you. And there are so many people out there that want to do that. So take those five tips, apply them to your life. Take that moment to pause. When you feel judged, when you feel triggered and realize this, you have everything inside of you that you need to not let the slings and arrows from people who do not deserve a position of, of prominence in your life.

You have everything within you to not internalize that and to keep on moving and be an example to them of what greatness looks. In the world. That is a wrap for today’s show. Thank you from the bottom of my feels for showing up today in your power and in your willingness to let your intuitive self lead.

And if you are still working your way to your first 52, 100 K in your coaching practice, I have two incredible free resources to help you fast pass. This process, the first is to join our free and fun Facebook group. The Atmana intuitive coach collective, where myself and our M instructors do free trainings every week.

To help you turn your obstacles into opportunities with each and every step you take so that you can begin to achieve success on your own terms, and finally make the money that you know, you deserve. So, if you’re interested in joining our group, just pop onto Facebook and you can search bar Atmana intuitive coach collective, and we will pop up or you can check our show notes for a link.

And the second resource is a V I P ticket to our next upcoming five day workshop experience. Live your purpose, launch your practice, where you are going to learn four keys to claiming your intuitive confidence calling in clients with authenticity and integrity. And then you’re gonna create your very first or one of many signature programs.

That help you sell your services with ease and grace. That also helps you go high ticket. So head on over to Heatheraliceshea.com/intuitive coach launch to get your V I P ticket, or you can check the show notes where you can get your hot little hands on a link to both the Facebook group and the five day workshop until next.

I see you. I love you together. We rise.